I Have Three Instagram Accounts

That's right, three. 

I decided to try out having a third one on April Fool's Day and see how it went.
(Pretty well, imo, but that'll come later. This is long. Some people might consider it extremely long. Scroll to the bottom for the TL;DR and my point!)

You might be thinking, "Man, this is what's wrong with people today,", or "How?", or "Is she really that addicted to social media? I knew she posted a lot, but.. -cringes and shakes head slightly in concern-", but I've thought about all of this stuff a lot, and that's why I'm writing something about it. 
And no, to the first and third ones.

I'm not rationalising my frequent image posting or justifying myself because I feel kind of guilty and embarrassed about it, because I don't; just laying out my thoughts on the topic. It's been a while since I've done one of these (a)Musings posts, or since I've posted about anything current at all for that matter (Jesus take the wheel), and Hannes and I discussed it recently, and it's relevant. It's really, really relevant to everything.

Let's go back to the beginning.

I finally joined IG at the end of 2014, shortly before leaving Korea. 

The last time I actually had to be somewhere for regular hours all day was 2013, and before that, it was when I was working summers in Phoenix from 2004 to 2007, full-time, but just seasonally. 2014 was the last time I had a regular monthly salary, albeit a shitty one, but even then, I wasn't working anything resembling standard human hours, and definitely way less than 40 a week, unless you count the sometimes-extensive travel time, or that month I lived at an oil refinery. 
I've spent most of my adult working life as a dispatch employee, getting sent to different offices and schools and other places, in many different cities, to do my lesson-, conversation-, or training-based work there for 45 or 90 or 180 minutes, or even a full day, and then leave again. 

Some of you might know this very well, or maybe you just have a vague idea about how I've worked and lived abroad. So, well, it's pretty non-traditional. Shocking, I know. 
I'm a free radical, without any actual coworkers or managers, or a desk or a computer, a particle floating across the grid and through the subway system underneath it. Sometimes it'll be an entire week of going to work in brand new places, at all different times, and working with people I've just met for the first and maybe only time that day. I'm well acquainted with an almost ridiculous range of people as a result, making jokes and puns with the CEO's of various companies just as freely and casually as I do with friends of friends over drinks. I also talk about grammar, and lately, about linguistics.
Hannes says it suits me perfectly. Even though I don't want to do it anymore I do love my job, so I guess he's probably right. He's usually right.

This is how and why I ended up being extremely interested in street art and tracking down the people responsible for the slaps, characters, and murals I see repeatedly in various places, and/or that I find especially striking. This is how and why I find myself trying charming and sometimes obscure new cafés and vegan restaurants and whatnot, if I'm near enough something I've bookmarked on Google Maps and feeling like actually spending money on myself. This is how and why I've found and gone to so many art exhibitions at galleries and museums. I've stumbled over crimes, protests, fights, fires, and all kinds of drama and craziness, just being constantly on the move in major cities, always with one ear and one eye tuned to and trained on what's happening nearby. Much of it is post-worthy. I like content, and I like generating interesting content. That's why I started this blog way back in '08 (,even if I did fall hopelessly behind on the posts about what we're doing and where we've gone from pre-2017 disk error onward). 

So, the first point to come of this stream-of-consciousness explanation of my heavy Instagram usage is that even my Mondays and Tuesdays are usually interesting, uncommon, and full of neat stuff like cute soy cappuccinos from small independent businesses, historically-relevant landmarks and architecture, and the expensive paintings law and logistics firms can afford to buy from prominent local artists and place in their corridors. 
I have huge schedule gaps because building up a full schedule of regular work as a freelancer takes time and effort, and these gaps afford me certain luxuries, of which I've learned to take advantage. These shareable luxuries are actually really simple things, if you just take a few minutes to stop and notice them, or to search for interesting things that are going on in your area. I share what my unorthodox working life allows me to experience because I am living my best life, and I want other people to do that, too.

I'm also pretty OCD and take way too many fucking photos all the time.

When Hannes and I had a big discussion about this whole thing, this was his main point, and like I said, he's usually right about stuff, as well as things. The past couple of months I've made an active effort to pare down the really unhealthy and borderline-obscene number of photos I've been taking, because, as he said: the tendency to be snapping and videoing constantly naturally raises the concern that documenting has become a reflex that overrides one's ability to fully be present for, enjoy, and experience things, and to socialise and connect properly with the other people who are also present.

A lot of people do this. A lot of people do this for likes. Getting a like on social media causes a little burst of dopamine release in your brain, the same way a drag on a cigarette or starting to feel buzzed from alcohol does. It's literally, verifiably addictive. It's why playing those Facebook games about farming or running a restaurant or much more complicated role-playing games, massively-multiplayer or not, is also an extremely effective, extremely addictive form of escapism: the dopamine releases, coupled with the illusion of progress and accomplishment. 

When people need a fix, it changes their personality and the way they behave, because whatever the substance or action in question is elbows its way to the top of their list of priorities, and that's why we talk about this first part, about self-censored, self-glorification platforms like Instagram fucking society up so bad: you only post the things you want others to see, which means leaving out the boring, daily, normal, or even really shitty or sad things, so that suddenly the reality that everyone presents to their friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances does not match up with the one they're living. 
We all feel anxiety and peer pressure to be cooler, be more interesting, do more, and be more like whoever, even though most of us know that's fundamentally impossible because we're all only cherry-picking the best of the best, especially celebrities and influencers. There are professional photographers, paid sponsorships, and dozens of unused selfie attempts involved in what they do. There's no way to even achieve similar content without a huge amount of effort and some expense.. which comes into play later on.
Next, after jumping on this trans-reality dopamine train, we get addicted to and hooked on almost-reality-but-better, and we want to go to that amazing adorable coffee shop and get that fancy-ass manicure and make sure we get a makeup-perfect friend squad selfie with that Minnie Mouse bubble waffle at Disneyland Hong Kong or whatever. That whole gag-worthy series of photos of the girlfriend leading the boyfriend around the world by the hand while his unfortunate other hand is stuck photographing his narcissistic girlfriend (and her butt that looks good in literally anything, so I guess it's not all bad for him) for their whole trip, you know?

This second part is the crux of this post and why I'm reflecting on and talking at length about my social media use: this is the behaviour- and personality-altering part.
In the pursuit of the coveted golden likes, our priorities change. 
I am guilty of this, too. 

When our priorities change, and when certain highly-shareable things are brought to our attention, we naturally go after or try to emulate them. Flat-lays are a good example of this because of how achievable they are for normal people.
Flay lay is a type of still life photography in which you simply place things nicely on a flat surface, most often a table, paying attention to things like the colour scheme and composition. Are you thinking of food? Beautiful food? Yes, me too. Of course. At those London coffee shops I'm dying to spend too much money at, specifically. Ugh, goddamnit.

There are other kinds of flat-lays, too, though: I think it's one of the best ways to photograph books, for example. Because I mean, how else? I just snap a smartphone pic of the cover of whatever I'm reading, sometimes with myself or some of my location or my coffee included, and some people focus on "Chapter 1" or something similarly easy, with a bit of the park or the beach they're relaxing at in the background, but the flay lay is the expert level. 
Case in point:

(Stock photo by Dominika Roseclay)

(Stock photo by ThoughtCatalog)

(Stock photo by Vandan Patel)

(Couldn't find the author)

Oh very nice, very pretty. But there's a lot going on here.
The first two evoke moods and sensations, the second one a lifestyle, and the third one products or consumerism in general.

The two things these all have in common are that they all include coffee, and that they all inevitably include hard, straight lines in their composition, because well, books. They have edge and corners.

The first photo is a mood. The photographer focused on the surface of the coffee. Warm, clean, fresh, unbothered, untroubled, ideal. We want this feeling. We like.
The second photo is almost the same in terms of content, but overall is totally different. It's also clean and fresh, idealised and romanticised, but it's a bit brooding, dark and dramatic, though not too intense..! In an accessible way. It is almost definitely raining outside. Mmm, moody. Also shiny silver calligraphy title and old-fashioned fountain pen? I like.
The third one? An urbane, educated, successful young professional who is also cultured and seeking a way to include a little bit of nature and spirituality in their otherwise sterile and busy life. I get it, but do not relate and do not like. 
Finally, the last one is straight-up plugging the lip gloss and the book itself as products. Notice that she - assuming it's a "she" - intentionally or unintentionally covered up the "Bad" in "Bad Habits" there. The Paulo Coelho hipster-yuppie doesn't feel guilty about his lifestyle, he's just looking for balance. But this person does. There's insecurity in vanity and materialism, and that manifests itself visually, which seems really negative, but it's actually a pretty great tactic. Why? Because it's relatable. (But not for me; definitely do not like.)

Want to see some of my flay lays? Sure you do.

I quickly looked through a bunch of my photos from last year, and.. er, well.. even more of them than I would have thought fall into this category.. Dang..

Stationery of mine that Anke brought back with her from the States!

Dinner! Like.. every single dinner, but I picked this one!

A very pink unicorny package for Sara and her adorable little daughters!

My random stamp collection!

Assorted souvenir swag from Prague!

My art purchases from Meika and the extras she included!

And.. oooh, I saved the real classic for last!

It's a slice of the gluten-free vegan rhubarb cake Anke makes every year for Herrentag! The dried flowers and heart-shaped tea lights are from our wedding day. I should have taken this with a real camera, posted it on IG, and gotten a whole boatload of likes. Hah.

How many of your photos are flay lays? How much time do you spend arranging things while your boyfriend glares at you? I spend way too much time doing this. I do not want to spend way too much time doing this and will try to stop doing it so much. 

Going back to that Parisian fashionista wannabe: you know what else smacks of subtle guilt, vanity, and insecurity while presenting a front of either judgement-free nonchalance or measured self-consciousness? Popular tags like #shorthairdontcare, #greyhairdontcare, #curlyhairdontcare, and #feltcutemightdeletelater. You can't escape any of that even if you use these ironically, I realised, because you're still sharing your selfie, right? These tags are still relatable and you're not about to type something like #sexyandiknowit or #datass, right? Maybe you are, but.. Well, I think more people feel like and subscribe to the former.

Years ago I was ironically using hashtags, but.. was I? They weren't connected to anything back then when I was typing them on Facebook or in messages; I was making fun of how they had come to represent everything under the sun, I didn't have and have never had a Twitter account, and I had never actually used any functional ones. But still it was a successful and relatable method of conveying not only my thoughts at that moment, but my cynical opinion of the entire social media universe. Subtext. A nuanced opinion, an in-group joke, pop culture literacy. The hashtag format itself is a meme, an absurdly successful one.

I scrolled back to find the last time, and the only time I can think of, that I used a version of "felt cute, might delete later". I omitted the last part because it's bullshit, pretense, dishonest coyness. I liked my outfit. I added a selfie to the end of my story about my day. I am not ashamed of that.

My point is, though, that even people like Amanda Palmer, who show off their hairy armpits, makeup-less faces, crazy body paint and current absurd situations and locations, are still using those tags to reach people and get interactions even if they don't subscribe to crass consumerism or adhere to patriarchal beauty standards. Even using these funnily and ironically, you're perpetuating them and buying into the whole thing.

Our behaviour changing like this also changes the economy, which was already a given when platforms that become crazy profitable just through people using them for free first came about, though at the outset it was impossible to guess exactly how.

Companies and brands and even individuals can jump on trending hashtags for more views and interactions. Did you notice how many actors and other celebrities said they'd join the raid on Area 51? A lot. The tags are self-propagating social contagions, they make themselves the topics of our daily conversations. Free advertising, free marketing, free exposure.

Also, this isn't exactly relevant to my points about social media, but speaking of our increasingly unsettling ability to create our own realities..

Businesses can take advantage of gorgeous flay lays, hashtags, SEO keywords, and good social media marketing in general, or they can fall behind and become irrelevant. @londoncoffeeshops? Ugghhhh I love it. There are tons of places that market Instagrammable food, specifically, like those sundaes or shakes served in mason jars or mason jar mugs that are stacked outrageously high with cookies, candy, full-on actual slices of cake, and other toppings.

Guess what? I'm guilty of this too! Off the top of my head I can think of two very specific instances in which I went to a dessert place I found out about through this platform, because I wanted to, but also because I wanted to share my desserts from those places on this platform. Knowing about it and wanting to participate drove the behaviour; I didn't find something by chance or some other way and realise with pleasant surprise how lovely it was and decide to share it because of my good experience. The experience sought me out and beckoned me to be part of its in-group crowd, and I bought it, literally.

Most recently it was Polaberry in Amsterdam, because I wanted one of these sickeningly cute photos with one of their overpriced but very nice chocolate bars. Actually, my first choice was their even more sickeningly adorable little unicorn cake pops, but we were only in the city for a day and a half, and ended up being near Polaberry right before it closed, so there were only a few things left. And I still bought one of them.

The second one that instantly came to mind was the now-closed Dominique Ansel location in Omotesando, Tokyo. I was back in tourist mode for the whole hot-ass summer before we left, and was just doing as much fun stuff as possible. Both of these things were really good, and worth 1000 yen apiece honestly, considering what Tokyo prices are like. The Kawaii Monster Cafe down the road charges even more for its astonishingly shitty rainbow food.

To sum up, what's happening here, socially and economically? 

We're learning more about photography and photo editing and putting more time and effort into shareable, high-quality content. We're much more likely to invest in a smartphone or DSLR specifically because of professional image quality, which has become normalised and accessible, and is a priority.

We're engineering images, moods, and lifestyles, choosing what we want to convey to the rest of the world, how we want people to see us. We're all our own content managers or even reality TV shows now, in a way; that shit's supposed to be "real" but we all know it's planned and scripted half to death. There are even ways to pretend to be nonchalant, coy, or self-conscious about narcissistic over-sharing, as a sort of compensating mechanism for any guilt or anxiety you feel over participating.

We're much more likely to see, be attracted to, and visit or purchase from products, businesses, eateries, and other entities that take advantage of these desirable qualities, moods, and shareability, and these additive platforms themselves of course. The more active and clever we are, the more profitable we are. In the special case of celebrities, staying active and on-trend means staying relevant and remaining a household name.

Why am I playing this game? What's in it for me?

Well, I'm very visual and like taking pictures. I also tend to share a lot of them so that my family and friends all over the place can see what I'm up to, and also just because I feel like it. I don't consistently get a lot of likes. I don't even occasionally get a lot of likes. I still use a lot of hashtags, but I'm not really sure why; in some cases, it's so that other people can find or try things I thought were really good, or in the hopes that someone browsing around for ideas might find mine and be inspired. I'm not kidding myself about my pictures being some kind of altruistic, philanthropic enterprise or something, though; I like my life, and I think it's interesting and cool. Sometimes I take selfies when I actually am #feelingcute, but not very often. Mostly I'm the only one behind a camera, taking and sharing pics and videos of other people, and bands, and other peoples' paintings and sculptures and whatnot.

What else? Well, my second account I started late last year in an effort to push myself to create more, and to finish what I start. I wanted to participate in Inktober for the first time, and I did: it was a combination of drawing practice, trying a new medium (brush pens I was gifted for my birthday), and learning some more German, because my theme was new dark, spooky, or autumnal German words. I didn't get through the whole alphabet, but I did make it to "P"..!

So, the second account is all things I draw, paint, or otherwise make, and sometimes art exhibitions I visit. The discussion I had with Hannes started because he couldn't understand why I felt compelled to separate these aspects of my life into different feeds, and because he was worried that doing so would just end up snowballing out of control into a need to take even more photos and generate even more content for these parallel profiles. This is very reasonable and legitimate, but! I countered, I have gotten more organised and prioritised and finished noticeably more paintings and illustrations since I started this account. I can look and see at a glance how active or inactive I've been. If I haven't posted anything in five days, I think, "Oh, I'm letting this content stream languish. I'm not managing my time well enough to make room for drawing or crafting, and creativity is important to me, so I need to remember to do that and try harder. I want to get paid to illustrate things, and to get to that point I need to be both more prolific and consistent."

Here are some of the things I've drawn, painted, or otherwise made since the beginning of the year, starting with Kava Nope just because it's up there in the background:

The third account that I started four months ago was originally an experiment in eco-friendly brand repping. You know those spam comments and messages that are like, "Hey, we love your feed and would like for you to collaborate with us! DM for details!"? 

I had been getting so many of those that I decided to see what it was all about. Curiosity killing the cat, et cetera. I learned that there was something below the level of being an influencer, and that was being a "brand rep". I looked into a lot of companies, starting with beyondBeanie, because that was the straw that finally broke the camel's back and made me bite. Is this enough animal metaphors yet?

Something else that's really important to me is being environmentally-conscious. Hannes doesn't want me to waste my time and my life on taking, editing, and sharing photos, and he doesn't want me to prioritise things that have no tangible benefits. We had talked before, a few times, about somehow monetising my content, and I thought, maybe this is the way to do that. I have loads of photos from several different countries, a huge bank full of supplementary content. Beaches, mountains, trees, close-ups of exotic flowers.. I could totally be a brand rep for shares, like, and commissions!

Well.

I quickly realised, after going through the whole process of finding and researching companies, choosing those that present themselves as the best and most sustainable ones and also offer sales commissions, contacting them, applying and signing up for their "Ambassador Programs" to satisfy my curiosity and understand it all, that this whole thing is just a fucking pyramid scheme.

The only way to rep something effectively is to wear it, or otherwise photograph it, or yourself with it. You can repost companies' marketing content, but I really hate people who have profiles full of reposted content. It's pointless and gross. If that's the best you can do, get out of the fast lane and go back to fucking Pinterest you unoriginal hack.

But so, okay, you sign up and tell these people that you want to market their stuff and do a whole shitload of real, valuable work for them, actually.. for just a small sales commission! What is 10% of a $34 shirt? Right.. $3.40. How long is it going to take to hit the minimum PayPal payout amount of $50? Right.. a while. Probably a long while. More than a year, because how many people out there are using your unique discount code, and how many people are buying expensive-ass organic tree-shirts in the first place?

So the companies probably give you some kind of free promo thing or at least a deep discount to start out with, right?

No. Not really. 

The moment that I was done with this completely and washed my hands of it was when I posted a positive review of a company called The Great North on their Facebook page for a $5 coupon.

I didn't lie about anything; I said I was excited that they were using up to 70% bamboo in their shirt blends and that organic cotton is too water-expensive, so they should avoid it and focus on the former. But wow, that's so unethical. I went back and deleted it and completely forgot about this whole thing. A paid review for $5 that's not even $5 unless you put it toward buying something from them? 

And, get this: with my "ambassador discount", plus the extra five bucks off, but not plus the extra 10% first-time customer discount because you can't apply that one on top of the ambassador one, I would have finally ended up with an almost normally-priced fucking shirt to use for advertising their super expensive fucking shirts virtually for free. 

I'm pretty sure tentree "pays" "ambassaors" for positive reviews, too. It would be one thing if these companies, purportedly so concerned with planting trees, donating to marine conservation, or housing and educating developing-world orphans with a portion of the proceeds from every purchase, gave you something for free or for a very low price to start out with, but everything they sell is made to be sold only and exclusively at an "ambassador" discount. 

30% off a fucking $54 T-shirt is.. how much? I don't know. Still a very overpriced T-shirt. The additional cost of higher-quality and more sustainable materials is one thing, and the additional cost of planting trees or otherwise setting aside a slice of your profit margin for every purchase is another thing, but the very high sale prices all of these companies are made specifically to be reduced through free, independent social media marketing on the part of individuals who want to make money off likes and shares, and then the company still nets a bigger-than-normal profit margin, even with all things considered and all benefit of the doubt given.

It's a pyramid scheme. A greedy fucking tree-planting pyramid scheme. Does tentree really plant ten trees for every purchase? What a crass, soulless venture if not, and what a crass, soulless tactic if so. 

Look at how desperately this chick wants to be validated, for example. She bought a bunch of their stuff and took tons of heavily-edited selfies in it. Yikes.

So, was this third account a failure? No. Not at all! 

I'm very careful and selective about what I tap, like, and follow. With this eco-account, I basically just started out searching for good, thoughtful organisations, businesses, and social movements. It was amazing how much I learned, and how quickly. The infographics! The statistics! The links to articles, and the lifestyle inspiration! 

It sounds lame and cliché, but it was genuinely eye-opening, almost instantaneously. I chose to focus specifically on being a more careful and conscious consumer, about making spending money and doing what's right one in the same, and about learning more about things like ocean plastic and plant species and urban foraging and current environmental legislation being proposed and passed into law, and.. wow. An endless sea of humanity-redeeming content is what I jumped into, like an ice-cold lake that's only startling and new and something you had no idea about for just a few seconds, but when you come up what strikes you is the richness and beauty of your surroundings, and you wonder what the fuck you were apprehensive about and why you didn't do this sooner. And why you don't do this more often, and why you don't realign all of your priorities to shift things like this to the front.

Eco-friendly brand repping is a pyramid scheme for desperate social media-addicted narcissists who want to rationalise or outright fool themselves into thinking they're doing something good for the planet, but #livingwithlesswaste and #noplastic are part of a social movement. A massive, worldwide social movement. Even before I hit that moment of "yep, fuck this completely" with companies like The Great North and tentree, I was steeping neck-deep in a vast online community of people going zero waste, growing their own food, and spending their weekends cleaning up beaches. After weeks of careful deliberating I tossed those laughably overpriced "eco-friendly" accessories aside in a second. I hate shopping and spending money on things! What the fuck? lol. None of that lines up with what I want and what I believe anyway! It's all about #livingwithless and trying to #buyonlywhatyouneed. And anyway, as Hannes said, sigh, there is no quick or easy way to make money online.

Instead of giving my money to the companies masquerading as the good guys, I want to follow, like, and buy from the companies actually being good guys. All of that clever social media marketing stuff can be used effectively by companies that really are dealing in sustainable products and lifestyles.

My current favourite example is truefruits smoothies. First of all, these things are a little pricey at €2.49 normally and €1.99 on sale, which is usually when I snap them up, but they are 100% pure fruit, they show you on the side of the bottle, like a measuring cup, exactly what's in each one, and they're glass with metal lids.

Here are some examples of their genius. First, the limited edition bottles:

Urgh, I love it! I tried both Lemon Cheesecake and Apple Strudel over the winter, but that was before I thought to keep the bottles.

Keep the bottles? What for, as decoration? Well.

Glass is 100% recyclable and so are many common metals, especially aluminum and steel, but have you ever thought about how much stuff you toss into even the recycling bin? The overwhelming majority of plastic will never be recycled. You just shouldn't buy it.

And if you want to shop package-free, in bulk, and have a really nice, clean, simple pantry full of glass containers that you refill that's #aesthetic.. why would you go out and buy them all when you can get them for free at the supermarket? Your applesauce, pickles, and truefruits smoothies all came in glass containers, for starters. Oh, fuck. Lightbulb moment. 

Truefruits knows this, and they know that their bottles are cute. You know what they did? They started selling branded soap dispensers and other things that are specifically made to screw onto the tops of their bottles.

Mind blown. Seriously. What a stroke of genius.

As you might guess about a company this aware, their copy and tags are always really good, too. "Bad" is "bath" or "bathroom" in German, hence the puns. I love it.

But wait, I'm still not done hyping the fuck out of these drinks. You know how Snapple recently switched to plastic bottles, after many years of being that one specific tea drink in a glass bottle? The social media backlash was gigantic, vicious, and extraordinary. People really fucking hate this idea. Many people, if not most people, insist that things taste better when you drink them from glass, for starters. There's a huge global movement to avoid, ban, and stop producing single-use plastics, also. Come on! This is the worst possible moment to switch to plastic! How astonishingly tone-deaf of them!

True fruits clapped back quickly, and hard, taking advantage of that social media backlash that, based on Snapple's Instagram activity and sudden lack thereof for over a week, I feel pretty confident led to at least one major person from the social media marketing department quitting.

I saw this as a giant billboard on a platform at Dammtor station here in Hamburg. 

It made me and another chick do a hard double-take. One of Snapple's main defenses/reasons/scripted marketing lines for their switch was that "glass can break!". I mean, I guess. A lot of things can break if you try to break them. Even if you throw glass it doesn't always break. But so, true fruits is all like: 

Say yes to plastic! Glass can break. Plastic remains in the oceans, and for eternity.

Fucking lol.

Supporting this company doesn't make me any money. It arguably saves me money or at least zeroes out what I spend on their products because I reuse most of the containers, and it gives me a healthy guilt-free drink, snack, or meal substitute. That would be good enough for me even if their marketing people weren't awesome.

TL;DR

Since I started this third account I've made a lot of low-waste and zero-waste swaps, with more in the works. I've switched to powder detergent in a cardboard box, solid hand soap, solid deodorant, and a simple glass water bottle. I've kept track of everything in plastic that I've chosen to put in my handbasket while shopping and felt bad about it, actively avoided the stuff where possible, and lamented the fact that even the bakery bags and rare paper produce bags are lightly coated in and lined with it, as are many cans and even aluminum water bottles. I've found package-free bulk shops throughout Germany and switched to shopping at the main one here for our dry goods like oats, pasta, nuts, seeds, and spices. I've been astonished and impressed by people who have lived plastic-free for years and who spend their weekends plucking trash out of the surf and who manage to maintain entire homesteads. I want to be more like them. I want to be better.

I don't want to be an influencer.

My point with all of this is that social media has become a cornerstone of most of our lives. It's addictive, and most of us are checking our phones constantly. If you think about the kinds of pressures Insta feeds put on you, it's not hard to figure out that most of them are pretty unhealthy, or unabashedly for the sake of profit. You can be social media savvy and on-trend and pop culture literate without buying into all of this shit and without even feeling pressured to do so, though, if you just realise the ways in which this pressure and this targeted content changes the way in which you behave, consume, and spend your leisure time. I'm not saying that I've achieved some kind of social media nirvana in which I've found a brilliant solution to all of this, but I thought about what I wanted and what was most important to me, and unsurprisingly, it wasn't the organic cotton activewear, the Polaberry chocolate, or trying to monetise my views and likes, turning what should be my free time spent enjoying myself into a sad display of how thoroughly indoctrinated into capitalism we all are. 

I want to illustrate professionally. I want to be more prolific in what I create and actually get better at painting and develop as an artist. I created a social media platform that generates some subtle, positive pressure on myself to achieve that as best I can, and gives me an overview of what I've been doing, how much, how often, and how consistently in terms of style. I do my best to connect with other artists on this platform and to be aware of what they and local galleries are up to.

I want to consume more consciously and sustainably, and if I do buy something new, I want it to be from the best and most responsible and helpful possible sources. I want to buy handmade things from women in developing countries who have fled nightmarish domestic violence with nothing but their children and what's left of their dignity in tow. I want to support business ventures that are making fabric out of recycled ghost net nylon. I want a super neat, chic pantry (too bad Europe doesn't have pantries, though.. brb, crying) with rows of glass jars full of things bought in bulk, package-free. So I created a social media platform that's turned into this, too. I want to go to the next Hamburg litter picking meetup group and buy some of those solid bar soaps and things from people here who make them, instead of having them shipped to us.

I think we can turn these negative influences, pressures, and tendencies on their heads and make them work for us. It's not just about finding something to try, see, or do this weekend or on your trip; I think we can do better, guys.

What Is the Deal with Kyrsten Sinema Even?

Here I am with 40 or 50 backed-up posts, including at least half of last year because the multiple Korea and Taiwan trip posts are included in that stack, along with the rest of my eventful unemployed summer, but there's aaalways something else to do. 
In a good way. Not just keeping the place clean and dinner cooked and that kind of stuff. We're extremely busy, but it's great. 

Wednesday was Hannes' birthday, Sunday was mine, and we spent the weekend being entertained and fed in Rostock. The weekend before that we were in Copenhagen, which was a wonderful wedding gift from friends who remembered that I had really wanted to go when I was first in Germany 4 years ago. 
The weekend before that was Solvig's birthday, and together we baked a much-publicised vegan rainbow unicorn cake for it. And as for this weekend, we're leaving super early in the morning for a one-day post-black metal festival in the Netherlands called Soulcrusher, which is my amazing 30th birthday gift from Hannes.

(Of course, there's all the much-less-fun stuff keeping me occupied as well, like trying to find a damn job; going to doctors' appointments for the first time since I lived in Korea, except that they're actually getting stuff done here instead of just treating symptoms as they come up, and it's free; trying to convert my driver's license into a German one; finally finishing all the wedding thank you cards; and so on, virtually ad infinitum.)

The posts about our wedding reception and the two full weeks of entertainment with my mom, NiQui, Rejon, and Angelique associated with it are next in line, as are the posts about the Czech Republic. Where has this year even gone? It's blown right by. I feel like the last time I looked up it was still July.

Now the much-anticipated midterm elections are upon us. 

I've decided to make a post about the one weird choice I have to make, that I just explained to friends at length - probably too at-length, really - in a group chat. 
I might have to vote for a flippy-floppy DINO centrist named Kyrsten Sinema to replace Jeff Flake in congress. Unsurprisingly, it's kind of a long story. 

Fucking Flake™, as I have un-affectionately branded that spineless and unqualified piece of absolute shit with a melty and thoroughly-punchable face very much like that of John Kerry, is thankfully not running for re-election. I was mighty upset when he ran in the first place, knowing that with that big stupid "R" next to his name he would win in my back-assward, gun-toting hick state despite the fact that as a person he is comprised exclusively of shortcomings. He replaced Jon Kyl, whose office couldn't even be bothered to reply to my e-mails with autoresponses when I was in high school, and who I despised (and continue to despise) similarly. Who even has two first names that are each missing a letter? 

The worst part, though, is that I remember this particular election well, because it happened right before I left the States forever, when I was genuinely ready to rip out my hair and mindlessly smash everything around me because of exactly this kind of bullshit, even though I was confident that Obama was about to be re-elected. It was fall of 2012.

Flake ran against Richard Carmona, the 17th Surgeon General of the United States. Carmona is so very many things that are appealing to both progressives and conservatives: a physician, paramedic, Special Forces combat medic, decorated Vietnam veteran and cop, tactical expert, former deputy sheriff, professor, and vocal critic of the Bush Administration and its various anti-science stances, among other things. Am I a fan of cops or people who went to Vietnam and napalmed villages for.. whatever the hell reason that was supposed to be for? Fuck no. But the man is thoroughly educated and dedicated to public health and safety, with not one but several successful careers under his belt.

Flake has an MA in political science from BYU (until now I really thought he only had a BA, I'm very surprised), and spent two years in South Africa on a Mormon mission. 
His Mormon ancestors set up one of their creepy crazy people temples in Snowflake, Arizona, which is named after them. My mom once lived there and worked for members of the Flake family. She says there's not a good apple in the whole bunch. Anecdotal and personal, sure. But they're wealthy, white, melty-faced, small-town Arizona LDS members. Carmona is into some super shady business stuff too, including but not limited to Herbalife, but come on.

No contest. It should have been no contest.

Carmona was winning, until Flake started running attack ads. 

Actually, this one is news to me, but this bullshit is standard on TV, too, not an occasional low blow wedged in once or twice but repeating incessantly between commercials about sketchy payday loan places and fast food. God I hate my former state.

But this is the one that did run on TV, that I was referring to:

This bitch recorded and ran it in Spanish, too, because they're both Hispanic. 

If you read the New Times 'attack ads' link above, you'll learn that this woman has a history of exaggeration and dishonesty, and that as a supporter and beneficiary of the Bush Administration, it's pretty clear why she would want to help Flake burn Carmona down. For The Party. Whatever, Beato. As a Latina woman you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. You're lucky you're rich and don't have to deal with the damage these soulless psychopaths do to those of us who aren't.

Anyway, this was one of the last straws for me. I felt physically pained on a daily basis by the vile discourse, dark money, corruption, hopelessness, ignorance, lobbying power, corporate domination, and bleak future when this was going on 6 years ago. I cannot imagine physically existing in the United States and intending to continue living there now, especially with children.

Now Flake is finally stepping down, having been temporarily bumped up a seat in the wake of John McCain's long-overdue forced retirement and dramatic voting anomaly on the ACA, which was surely prompted by the infinite emptiness of the void and his sudden proximity to it. Gosh, it's funny how assholes suddenly care about things like cancer treatment and accessible basic healthcare in general once these things suddenly affect them directly, right?! Like they literally never thought about it before because it was outside their direct personal experience, like the assumed they would literally never need help themselves. 

Unfortunately, Kyl has been brought back to fill that empty senior senate seat, and up for election is only one representative, for the junior one. The only thing I've seen about Kyl since all of this has been going on was that Kavanaugh confirmation protesters managed to corner him in an elevator or basement or bathroom or something like that at the capitol that they're increasingly overrunning at the moment, and he whimpered at them to leave him alone. Lol. Good. 
Don't leave him alone.

But well, now that you have all the backstory, here's where my weird choice comes in. 

At first, a relatively young white woman who graduated high school at 16 as valedictorian and later went on to become a social worker and eventually earn a Ph.D., who formerly represented Arizona's 9th congressional district and who would not only be the first woman to represent Arizona in the U.S. Congress but who would also be its first-ever openly LGBT(QIA) member and who is currently its only openly non-theist/atheist member sounds like a no-brainer, shoe-in, dream choice. Well, I mean, it would be a little dreamier if she represented our largest ethnic minorities too. 

But. Hold up.

Kyrsten Sinema is weird. She is a weird, contradictory, inconsistent person to the extent that I don't just wonder if she's doing whatever it takes to advance her own career, because that's obvious, but that I even wonder if she might have two distinct personalities or something. 
She summited Kilimanjaro a few years ago and seems mildly obsessed with marathon times, which reminds me a lot of the characters depicted in House of Cards. In January a man was arrested for stalking her. With everything this lady has going on, it doesn't sound entirely unlike a TV show. I'm just getting these weird bits out of the way because they have nothing to do with any of my grievances, but that resemblance and the disingenuousness I'm about to describe concern me, since we're being governed to death by a literal reality show that has no idea what it's doing. And so, I keep saying that I'm going to make this weird choice that I don't really like now that it's midterm time, so let me explain why the idea of voting for her makes me cringe and why I really want to know: what is the deal with her even?

Again, I think of Sinema as an unappealing, moderate, centrist, DINO, but I admittedly had to google to remember exactly what it was that she did a few years ago, specifically, that pissed everyone off so much: 
Three years ago, along with only 46 other democrats, she voted for the Security Against Foreign Enemies (or "SAFE", eyeroll) Act, which prevented the resettlement of Syrian and Iraqi refugees in the U.S. until the vetting process for them was somehow made even stricter than it already was, which was very very. Very. 
It felt like virtually every woman in Arizona under 40 capable of reading and discerning what is a fact and what is not voiced their incredulity and disapproval over this on social media and to her office directly. I mean, really? Xenophobia and/or Islamophobia from the openly-bisexual female democrat? Indirectly referring to people seeking asylum - which, contrary to popular racist idiot belief these days, is not a crime - as "enemies"? 

She wrote her damn dissertation on the Rwandan Genocide. 
...

People accused her then and have accused her previously of sacrificing her principles and original platform to further her political career, and wouldn't you know it, that career has correspondingly advanced. Let's talk about some of those stances and her background, and what's changed. And is still changing as we speak. It's kind of hard to keep up with.

She actively protested the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq while studying law at ASU but supported the Gulf War, though she was very young while it was happening. She also supports military intervention in cases of genocide, so at least that makes sense, but still. A lot of the lead-up to the Gulf War was Iraq supporting Palestine while the U.S. supported Israel. Is.. that not related to genocide? I guess not, if there's enough oil money involved. 
What about the various and horrific human rights violations, and the destruction of vital infrastructure and the environment? She began her political career as a spokesperson for the Green Party, I might add. 
Oh well. I'm sure she has her reasons. Or not. 

She opposed waging war as a response to the 9/11 attacks. She also said in '02 that silent vigils being held as a form of protest against war and violence against women would continue "'til there's no more war", and in '06 that she was against war "in all its forms" [Source]. Another anti-war rally in '03 is where she wore the infamous all-pink toddler-esque outfit, including a tutu, that her Republican opponent in this current race has been using as a side-by-side comparison photo in her attack ads. Amusingly, that same year, she also told The Arizona Republic that "the real Saddam and Osama lovers were Reagan and George H.W. Bush" [Source]. She even called Bush a fascist, a psycho, and an oligarch [Source]. Lohl. 
Here's one of the flyers from one of those anti-war protest groups she led:

"Hah," I thought, "that's good stuff".

"You should never take military intervention off the table," Sinema said in an interview in 2012, once her views on the subject had apparently 'matured'. "When you do so, you give an out to a rogue nation or rogue actors". [Source]

She also supported Trump's decision to use military strikes in Syria, and voted against the Iran nuclear deal.

Err, okay.. Opposing war always, sometimes, one yes one no, in a tutu, on a boat, with a goat, not here or now or anymore or on a case-by-case basis.. I don't know. I really don't know what she thinks or if she thinks anything for more than a few years at a time. Maybe when we check back in on her in 2025 she'll be living in a newfound Christian hippie commune and seeking forgiveness for her flippy-floppy war-stance sins. Your guess is as good as mine. 

This is from one month ago:

??? "Whatever it takes" to be the first democrat elected to the Senate 

in that deep red state since 1988, I guess???

War can be a complex thing, and we can debate military intervention during genocide some other time, but this is troubling to say the least. Suddenly her stepbrother is super useful to her; he used to be a Marine and is now a cop. He's in one of the other ads. I wonder what he thinks about this, what their conversations about how she's a different person now were like. I wonder if he believes her.

Speaking of bizarre Christian bullshit, though, next let's talk about how she was born and raised in the Mormon church (just like Fucking Flake™)! 

We've got a lot of this in Arizona. The southeastern suburban and rural sprawl cities of Mesa and Chandler are a hotbed of it. It's not pretty. That dead shark-eyed child rapist son of a bitch Warren Jeffs, who was the leader of the FLDS - which is the disturbingly large branch of the LDS that still practices polygamy, often involving not only plenty of rape but also plenty of incest and child brides - was eventually found and arrested in Arizona, after a nationwide manhunt. Probably thought he'd be safe there. Not surprised. 

You might be a little confused, because I did mention that Kyrsten Sinema is the only openly atheist/anti-theist (I'm honestly not really sure why they insist on making the distinction, that's what the term "agnostic atheism" is for) member of Congress, state or federal. That's impressive: no American politician dares to be un-Christian on a national level these days, the Evangelical capitalism is too strong. 

So I'm not judging Sinema for being born into a family of religious fundamentalist nutters, because no one can control that (and I personally know at least one person who successfully escaped from and moved past exactly such a situation), but I am casting a very suspicious eye on this weird - that's the operative word here, in case you've missed it - upbringing, because she's used it and the poverty that accompanied it to distinguish herself from other, privileged, upper middle-class or wealthy white bread politicians like Flake and Kyl and to advance her career. 

Here's the kicker: How much of it even happened?

... Sigh. 
I know, right? I'm already tired, too.

This NYT article is the most recent and comprehensive piece of journalism I came upon while looking for more instances of her constantly-shifting stances and opinions, and it focuses mostly on this topic.
The story, basically, is that for three years her family lived in an abandoned service station in her stepdad's hometown in Florida with no electricity or toilet. She's described this, specifically and repeatedly, as "homelessness". According to her Wiki page and the campaign video she produced, shared in a Politico article from a year ago when she announced her candidacy, her friends, family, and church helped her climb out of poverty:

“There’s really no other country in the world where a little girl who grew up homeless living in a gas station could ever dream of serving in the United States Congress and run for the United States Senate,” Sinema said while campaigning in Phoenix in July.

"I realise this tugs at peoples' heartstrings and that was what she was going for, but, you know, it's not the truth," Sinema's stepdad's sister, who still lives in that Florida town, said in a Washington Post article/interview. 
She and one of her other brothers say it was a remodeled building that had utilities. According to her, the family went through a hard time and didn't have enough money, but the kids were being taken care of, and were certainly not "homeless" or living in an "abandoned gas station", as Sinema is so fond of recounting in her classic, clicheed rags-to-riches, American Dream story. There are also records of her parents indeed paying the utility bills at that time. When asked to explain this contradiction, she simply says, ohh, I don't know why that would be, I was only a little girl at the time.

Okay. Sounds like an exaggeration at best, and a complete lie at worst.

Her parents don't comment, just say that they were strapped for money and that they're proud of what she's achieved. 
Sinema herself is apparently really fond of that "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps" phrase, which is laughable and complete bullshit, because it makes no sense in the first place. Originally it referred to an inherently impossible task - because just think about it for one second - making it that much more of a slap in the face by the rich, detached assholes who routinely vote against and to dismantle social safety nets and vital programs every time they have the audacity to use it. Personally, I think that only people who haven't experienced seriously struggling would ever even consider using that phrase.
And besides: she has an M.A. in social work and a doctorate. There's no way she's dense enough to use it seriously or believe it wholeheartedly like that. She's saying practiced things she knows conservatives like to hear and avoiding mentioning anything that could be labelled a "handout", though those are apparently fine when they're coming from some kind of church. Eyeroll.

That NYT article from before cites a number of people who flat-out say she's an ambitious opportunist willing not only to work with the other side of the aisle but make major compromises, take positions that people don't like, and do whatever it takes to keep her career steaming along. In it Tomas Robles (who clearly full-on hates her imo) said she refuses to meet with his immigration activism group and that she's not actually a centrist, much less a progressive: just an opportunist who knows what to say and when, to benefit herself. She's good at reading rooms and the mood associated with the bigger picture. Unsurprisingly, Sinema's voting record on immigration is not progressive at all, though she does say that she supports the DREAM Act.
At least two or three of these sources I've shared point out that, in 2017, she voted right along with Trump's positions a solid 50% of the time. Cool.

You can see her voting record for yourself, both on her own Arizona House of Representatives website and on this website as well, for example.

And it gets even cooler, because I checked FiveThirtyEight: when this Phoenix New Times article was published a little over a year ago Sinema's score was 48.8% (of the time voting in line with Trump), and now it's 62.2%! Yaaaay, it's increased substantially since she announced her candidacy, yaaaay. I would roll my eyes again but I'm getting a little dizzy.

Go ahead and read the immigration points that article outlines, too, including but not limited to: voting in favour of an act that included $1.6 billion in funding for the fucking border wall, voting in favour of the Verify First Act, which makes the process of verifying someone's citizenship before they are able to receive the special tax credits that would allow them to afford healthcare via the Affordable Care Act, something that Beto O'Rourke has decried specifically and which I can assure you no other developed country would ever have; and voting for the Criminal Alien Gang Member Removal Act, decried by the ACLU as classic racist, nativist lawmaking that would give cops and border enforcement flunkie cops more leeway and authority to target and harass immigrants and immigrant neighbourhoods.

I'm sure Tomas Robles has his reasons.

Kyrsten Sinema, not so much.

But the momentum and positive reactions are palpable: astoundingly, she's been consistently ahead of Republican opponent Martha McSally in almost every poll for most of the year, I think since April. 
Arizona is actually, seriously a battleground state in a national election this time, and everyone is calling it a toss-up. The last time a democratic senator was elected was the year I was born. The last time one was present at the Capitol was 1995. 

Arizona has only been a state since 1912, and seeing as how these puckered old bastards end up staying in their seats for way too long or even right up until they die, like McCain, there have only been a total of eleven, ever. The only thing about the knowledge of this history that gives me a modicum of satisfaction is knowing that my calling Flake unqualified and pathetic is somewhat verified or at least validated by the fact that he's the shortest-serving one in history and will probably stay that way. Four years? Mm, yikies. Looks bad on your report. Because it is. Because you suck. 
His exceedingly minor claim to fame will be agreeing that Kavanaugh should be confirmed only to change his mind a few hours later and call for a completely fake, briefest-of-the-brief FBI investigation, after a sobbing protester and sexual assault survivor cornered him in an elevator and forced him to listen to her. Good for you, you spineless little prick. Limply raise a finger in protest and go, "Err, well, no, waaiiit.." only after abandoning basic human decency and good governance, and with nothing to lose because you're on your way out. Try not to let the door hit you. Or let it. No one cares.

Anyway, here's my weird choice: is it my responsibility to vote for someone who's no better than all of the people currently running the country, who we all hate and who are deeply dishonest, disingenuous, and ineffective career politicians with no interest in serving anyone but themselves, who has the same qualities as Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright in House of Cards, because there's actually a chance it might tip the balance of the Senate? For the greater good, is it my responsibility? To continue exactly everything that's wrong, because it's a shitty choice but it's the only one available? I want to say "yes", ...but.

This is part of what happened when people could only choose between Trump and Hillary: why are there only two choices, and why do they both suck so much? How can anyone pretend that Red Team and Blue Team, both with the same funding sources and lobbyists writing the bills they don't read, comprise anything even vaguely resembling a functional democracy? 
Food, drinking water, access to medicine and basic healthcare, physical safety, basic job security and workers' rights, constant involvement in war abroad and massive over-incarceration and human rights violations at home, these aren't the concerns of a developed nation. And yet here we are. People buy painkillers online for dogs and other animals because they can't afford prescriptions or treatment for their injuries or chronic pain. Flint fucking still doesn't have clean water. The school and other mass shootings? Is there anything else to say about that? Apparently not. They're just going to keep happening. 
I'm not even going to get into racism now, otherwise this post will never end. Every developed country has racism, as people occasionally remind me in conversation: yeah but your country's economy and laws weren't founded on slavery, not if you're arguing from Europe. Everyone treated indigenous people horrendously and slaughtered them, and to this day profoundly depressing and inhumane displays like what happened at Standing Rock continue. But does your government still get away with setting dogs on indigenous people and taking what pathetic patches of designated wasteland they have left? Do your cops get away with frequently, routinely shooting unarmed black kids and men? One murderer actually got charged these last few days; another was simply re-hired by a different police department, as is what usually happens. It's apples and oranges. There's no simultaneously undeveloped-post-developed country quite like the U.S.

I'd like to vote for Angela Green, the appropriately-named Green Party write-in candidate. Here in Germany the Green Party is actually a major political party, with representation in parliament. Isn't that nice. It's just a sad little joke in the U.S. 
Nader managed to get what, 3% of the national vote in the 2000 presidential election? I remember how much talk there was about him, and everything - but in the end, the only choices are Red Team or Blue Team.

Vox posted an article about this very topic a few days after I posted this. 
Basically they try to say that the Republican-led attacks on Sinema are missing the point: it's gotten to the point that McSally supporters are mocking her family's hardship, and it seems like everybody is trying to decide how poor is poor enough, or how homeless is homeless enough. Of course, that's not okay. I've been there. It's really not okay.

The thing is, though, that the Vox article doesn't say what the point is. It doesn't address these serious misgivings, or her actual, documented history of flip-flopping on basically every single major issue! Her increasingly heavy leaning to the right, the sharp-tongued criticism by actual progressives she's worked with or refused to work with, and, oh right, that irksome little fact that paying your utility bills even though you have no utility service does not add up. Obviously her parents aren't going to derail their daughter's career while she's in her prime by being like, "Yeah, I mean, we were struggling, but she's definitely exaggerating the extent of it and playing it up to construct a more compelling narrative lol."
Attack ads are going to attack, just as the Flake ads attacked and discredited Carmona, for as long as that kind of harmful, slanderous rhetoric remains legal in the United States. But what is the point then, Vox? If you want to balance out all the questions, negativity, and outright offensive attacks just before the election, don't you think you should probably give some kind of credible or at least eloquent defense, maybe reasons why we should ignore all that stuff? Strong points? Pros?
There don't seem to be any.

So this, then, is my weird choice: the deal with Kyrsten Sinema, even, is that she appears to be an egotistical, lying opportunist who flip-flops on any and every major issue and who is fine with being hawkish and mildly to moderately racist. I genuinely wonder if she's mentally and emotionally stable and I have virtually no respect for her or confidence in her, but I have to vote for her.

Because we've very definitively come to a point where having the luxury of abstaining from a vote like this because you're fortunate enough not to be affected directly by the kinds of decisions Washington is making has ended. Everyone is affected now, and directly. That so many people are so thoroughly entrenched in their silly little worlds - whether massively delusional, massively partisan, massively self-involved or some combination of the three - is not only alarming, or generally bad, or because we have trouble unplugging and putting down social media: it's destabilising western society.

I have to vote for Kyrsten Sinema even though I know she's only in it for herself, because if there's actually a real chance to tip the balance here, which really never happens for Arizonans, then it would be supremely selfish to write in a name instead. And I did.